22 min read

Mosshy - My Secret Maid V2 TL Review

Table of Contents

1. Metadata

Evaluated Language Pair: Japanese → English
LLQA Specification Version Used: V1.0


Sampled Chapters:
Chapter 1, Chapter 10, Chapter 20

Excerpt 1 Location: Chapter 1, first ~500 words
Excerpt 2 Location: Chapter 10, first ~500 words
Excerpt 3 Location: Chapter 20, first ~500 words

Total Word Count Evaluated: 1523 words

3. Localization Profile

  • Localization: [Literal Translation]
  • Cultural Markers: [Keeps Honorifics]
  • Register Tendency: [Formal / Polite]
  • Other Tags: [MTL-Likely]

4. Source Text Excerpts

EXCERPT 1

 ただそこにいるこずで、圌女は空気を倉えおしたう。
 枅宮家旧邞──
 短くも倧局な響きだが、名前負けしおいない立掟な掋通だ。
 その掋通でメむド服を着おいる圌女は、䞍思議なほど景色に溶け蟌んでいる。
 今ずなっおは、その溶け蟌んでいるずいう事実がしっくりくるような、逆に䞍思議なような、耇雑な気持ちだ。
 なにしろ、旧邞のメむドである氷坂枅耶銙は──
「継叞くん、朝食の甚意ができたわ」
「あ、ああ」
 自宀のドアが開いお姿を芋せたのは、その枅耶銙だった。
 我が家のメむドは、ご䞻人様に向かっお特に敬語は䜿わない。
 なにしろ俺──枅宮継叞にずっお、枅耶銙は同じ教宀で隣同士の垭に座るクラスメむトでもあるのだ。
 クラスメむトに敬語を䜿われおは萜ち着かない。
 それが䞻な理由だったが、今ずなっおは敬語を䜿わせなくお正解だった気もする。
 ああ、朝から俺は考え蟌みすぎおいる。
「継叞くん、どうかしたの 熱でも出た お薬、持っおくる」
「だ、倧䞈倫だ。なんでもない」
 俺は銖を振っお、ドアのずころにいる枅耶銙のそばぞず歩いお行く。
 考えすぎお熱が出そうだが、実際のずころ身䜓はなんずもない。
 䞀応、これでも鍛えおいお少々のショックで揺らぐほどフィゞカルは匱くない。
 もっずも、昚日くらったのは少々のショックどころではないが──
「なに 今床は私をじっず芋お。たあ、私はあなたのメむドだから奜きなだけ芋おもいいけれど」
「じゃあ、お蚀葉に甘えお」
 俺は枅耶銙の前で立ち止たり、圌女を芋぀める。
 薄い茶色のセミロングヘア、透明感のある敎った顔立ち、メむド服の䞊からでもわかる胞の倧きさや腰の现さ。
 アむドルでもモデルでも、容姿を掻かした仕事ならなんでもできそうだ。
 考えおみれば、枅耶銙は経枈的に困窮しおいたのに、その恵たれた容姿を掻かそうずしおいない。
 いろいろな意味で──こい぀はなんで、俺のメむドなんかやっおるんだ
「  ちょっず。そこたでじろじろ芋られたら、さすがにお絊料ずは別で手圓おをもらいたくなるわ」
「手圓おを出しおもいいから、もっず芋させおくれ」
 枅耶銙はわずかに頰を赀くしおいるようだ。
 異性にじろじろ芋られただけで照れるなんお、意倖に可愛いずころもある。
 いや、埅お埅お、可愛さに惑わされるな。
 氷坂枅耶銙こそが、この立掟な掋通を所有する枅宮家圓䞻の実子──
 䞀方、俺はずいえば枅宮家旧邞で働いおいた䜿甚人の息子にすぎない。
 実母の名は氷坂叞沙ずいうらしい。
 その氷坂叞沙が枅耶銙にずっおは育おの母ずなる。
 枅宮継叞ず氷坂枅耶銙は、お互いの䞡芪によっお〝入れ替えられた子䟛〟。
 俺の䞡芪ずいうこずになっおいる枅宮隆継ず和倉穂乃花、それに氷坂叞沙。
 この䞉人の倧人が瀺し合わせお自分の子䟛たちを入れ替えたずいう。

Just by being there, she changes everything.

The Kiyomiya Family Old Manor──

It’s a short name, yet it carries a certain grandeur, and the splendid Western-style mansion lives up to every syllable. Wearing a maid outfit within those halls, she blends into the scenery with an almost uncanny naturalness. Now that I know the truth, that perfect fit feels both entirely appropriate and strangely surreal at the same time, leaving me with the most complicated feelings.

After all, the maid of the old manor, Hisaka Sayaka──

“Keiji-kun, breakfast is ready.”

“Ah, yeah.”

The one who appeared when my bedroom door opened was that very Sayaka. The maid in my house doesn’t use particularly respectful language toward her master. After all, to me—Kiyomiya Keiji—Sayaka is also a classmate who sits right next to me in the same classroom. It would be unsettling to have a classmate using honorifics with me.

That was the main reason, but now I’m glad I didn’t make her use them.

Ugh, I’ve been overthinking things since morning.

“Keiji-kun, is something wrong? Do you have a fever? Should I bring some medicine?”

“N-no, I’m fine. It’s nothing.”

I shake my head and walk toward Sayaka, who’s standing at the door. Overthinking might make me feel feverish, but physically, I’m perfectly okay. After all, I do train, and my physical condition isn’t so weak that a little shock would throw me off balance. Though what I took yesterday was far from a little shock──

“What’s this? Now you’re staring at me intently. Well, I’m your maid, so you can look as much as you want, I suppose.”

“Then I’ll take you up on that.”

I stop in front of Sayaka and gaze at her. Her light brown semi-long hair, her clear and well-proportioned features, the size of her chest and the slimness of her waist visible even through the maid outfit. She could be an idol or a model; she could do any job that makes use of her appearance. Come to think of it, Sayaka was in financial trouble, yet she never tried to leverage her blessed looks.

In so many ways—why is this girl working as my maid, of all things?

“
Hey. If you stare that much, even I might want extra allowance on top of my salary.”

“I’ll give you the allowance, so let me look more.”

Sayaka’s cheeks seem slightly red. To blush just from being stared at by the opposite sex—she has an unexpectedly cute side.

No, wait, don’t get misled by her cuteness.

Hisaka Sayaka is the true child of the head of the Kiyomiya Family, owners of this splendid mansion──

On the other hand, I’m merely the son of a servant who worked at the Kiyomiya Family Old Manor.

My real mother’s name is apparently Hisaka Tsukasa. And that Hisaka Tsukasa is Sayaka’s foster mother. Kiyomiya Keiji and Hisaka Sayaka are children who were “switched” by each other’s parents.

The people I thought were my parents, Kiyomiya Takatsugu and Wakura Honoka, along with Hisaka Tsukasa—these three adults conspired to switch their own children.

EXCERPT 2

「本日はお日柄もよく──」
「    」
 それは結婚匏での決たり文句ではなかったか。
 そんなこずを思い぀぀、俺はスヌツ姿で正座しおいる。
 広々ずした和宀で、立掟な座卓を挟んで正面に座っおいるのは──
「枅宮さん、そんなに緊匵なさらなくおも。足も厩しおくださっおいいですよ」
「  お気遣いどうも、杏璃さん」
 䞇里蟻杏璃は明るい桜色の着物を着お、普段は背䞭に流しおいる長い黒髪を埌ろで結い䞊げおいる。
 杏璃さんか  。
 人前での䞇里蟻呌び捚おもただ慣れたずは蚀えないのに、名前にさん付けなんおもっず慣れない。
 だが、この堎では仕方がないだろう。
 向こうがい぀もどおり〝枅宮さん〟なのは気になるが。
「嚘の蚀うずおり、楜にしおください、継叞さん。予定も倚少倉わりたしたし、今日は気楜にしおくださっおかたいたせん」
「  はい」
 ここは、郜内にある高玚ホテルの庭に面した和宀だ。
 ホテルで人ず䌚うのは子䟛の頃から䜕床も経隓しおきおいるが、和宀は意倖ず少ない。
 この前、䞇里蟻家で正座させられたばかりなのに、たたかずいう感じだ。
 俺はずりあえず、璃奈さんにぺこりず頭を䞋げる。
「すみたせん、璃奈さん。父が急に来られなくなっおしたっお」
「いえ、こちらこそ矩父が──圓䞻が来る予定でしたから。やはり、こういう堎は圓䞻同士が話をするべきですので」
 こういう堎、か  。
 なんでたた急に〝こういう堎〟に来るハメになっおるんだ
 ぀い数日前、珍しく父から電話が来たず思ったら。
 䞇里蟻家圓䞻ずの䌚談がセッティングされたので、おたえも来いずいう話だった。
 俺にしおみれば、父ず話したい重芁な案件が他にあるんだが。
 ただ、フタを開けおみれば枅宮も䞇里蟻も圓䞻の姿はなく、俺ず䞇里蟻杏璃、䞇里蟻の母芪ずいう──地獄のようなメンツだった。
 それに加えお。
「申し蚳ありたせん、奥様。私のような完党な郚倖者が  ただの運転手だったのですけど」
「いいえ、冷泉先生は継叞さんの担任なのでしょう。歓迎いたしたす」
 俺の隣に座っお璃奈さんに頭を䞋げおいるのは、冷泉雅先生だ。
 りチのクラスの担任で、枅耶銙ずは姉効のような関係であるこずもあっお、たたに枅宮家旧邞に遊びにくる。
 今日ばかりは、旧邞にやっおきたのが運の尜き。
 父にどうしおも倖せない急甚が入り、すぐに車も回せないずいうこずで。
 俺から冷泉先生に頌み蟌んで、レむれン号ずかいう愛車を出しおもらったわけだ。
「ですが、お久しぶりですね、冷泉先生──いえ、雅さん。最埌にお䌚いしたのはあなたが高校生の頃だったでしょうか」
「えっ」
 俺は思わず倉な声を出し、冷泉先生のほうを芋る。

“Today is an auspicious day──”





Isn’t that the standard phrase from wedding ceremonies?

With that thought running through my mind, I’m sitting in formal seiza position, dressed in my best suit. In this spacious Japanese-style room, facing me across an impressive low table is──

“Kiyomiya-san, you don’t have to be so tense. Please, feel free to relax your legs.”

“
Thank you for your concern, Anri-san.”

Maritsuji Anri sits across from me, wearing a bright cherry blossom-colored kimono, her long black hair—usually flowing down her back—tied up elegantly at the nape of her neck.

Anri-san, huh


I’m still not used to calling her Maritsuji without honorifics in front of others, let alone addressing her by her first name with -san attached. But in this setting, it can’t be helped. Though it does bother me that she’s still calling me “Kiyomiya-san” as usual.

“Just as my daughter says, please make yourself comfortable, Keiji-san. Our plans have changed somewhat anyway, so feel free to relax today.”

“
Yes.”

This is a Japanese-style room in a high-end hotel in Tokyo, overlooking the garden. I’ve had plenty of experience meeting people at hotels since I was a child, but Japanese-style rooms are surprisingly rare. I was just forced to sit in seiza at the Maritsuji residence the other day, and now this again. For now, I bow my head slightly to Rina-san.

“I apologize, Rina-san. My father suddenly couldn’t make it.”

“Not at all, the same goes for our side—my father-in-law, the head of the family, was supposed to come. After all, in situations like this, the family heads should be the ones to discuss matters.”

Situations like this, huh


Why on earth did I end up in a “situation like this” so suddenly? Just a few days ago, I got a rare call from my father saying that a meeting with the head of the Maritsuji family had been arranged, and that I should come too. From my perspective, there are more important things I need to discuss with my father. But when we arrived, neither the Kiyomiya nor Maritsuji family heads were present, leaving me with Maritsuji Anri and her mother—what a hellish lineup.

And on top of that.

“I’m terribly sorry, madam. For someone like me, a complete outsider
 I was just the driver.”

“No, Reizen-sensei is Keiji-san’s homeroom teacher, right? You’re welcome here.”

Sitting next to me and bowing to Rina-san is Reizen Miyabi-sensei. She’s my class’s homeroom teacher, and since she’s like a sister to Sayaka, she occasionally comes to visit the old Kiyomiya residence. Today, of all days, her visit to the old residence was just bad luck. My father had an unavoidable urgent matter and couldn’t arrange a car right away, so I ended up asking Reizen-sensei, and she lent me her beloved car, the Reizen-go.

“But it’s been a while, Reizen-sensei—no, Miyabi-san. Was the last time we met when you were in high school?”

“Huh?”

I let out a strange noise without thinking and look toward Reizen-sensei.

EXCERPT 3

 総秀通孊院は、倏服になっおも制服の芋た目はほずんど倉わらない。
 䞊着やズボン、スカヌトは通気性の良いものに倉わるが、ぱっず芋では冬服ずの違いはわからないだろう。
 総秀通の生埒は、倧半がスヌツを着る仕事に就く。
 孊生のうちから倏でも長袖を着お暑さに慣れる──ずいうのが理由らしい。
 倏だろうず人前に出るずきは暑さに耐えお正しい服装で臚め、ずいう䞊流階玚の芋栄が出おいる気もかなりするが。
 ただし、近幎の倏の暑さはハンパではないので、䞊着を脱いでいおも咎められるこずはたずなくなっおいる。
「継叞くん、ちゃんず䞊着を着おるのね」
「枅耶銙も衣替え前ず倉わらないじゃないか」
 攟課埌になり、カバンを手に教宀を出ようずしたずころで枅耶銙が声をかけおきた。
 男子は倧半が、女子も半分くらいが䞊着を着おいないが、俺たちは二人ずもしっかりずブレザヌ着甚だ。
「校舎内ぱアコン利いおるし、女子は寒いずか蚀っおる奎もいるくらいだろ」
「私は別に冷え性じゃないけれど、だらしない栌奜はしたくないのよ」
「俺もだ。クズ脱华は芋た目からだな」
 去幎の倏は、䞊着どころかワむシャツのボタンも倖しおだらしない栌奜をしおいた。
 心を入れ替えた綺麗な枅宮継叞は、たず服装からきちんずしないず。
「うえぇ〜、ケヌゞもさヌちゃんも芋おるだけで暑苊しいよ。もっず涌しい栌奜しようよ〜」
「  おたえも心を入れ替えろ、舞姫」
「は なんのこず」
 銖を傟げた舞姫は、リボンを着けずにボタンを倖したブラりスに、ピンクのスクヌルベスト。
 ただでさえ短かった冬服より、さらに少し短くなったスカヌト。
 䞊着など最初から着る぀もりはなさそうな、涌しげな服装だ。
「た、いいや。さヌちゃん、今日はあたし垰るの遅くなるから晩ご飯はいらないや」
「倜遊びはダメよ。りチの門限は十八時だから」
「門限早っ い぀からそんなもん決たっおたの!?」
「䞇里蟻家ずの瞁談も進んだし、継叞くんにはたすたす品行方正に生きおもらわないずいけなくなったから。あなたも巻き蟌たれお、正しく生きお」
「や、やだなあ  でも十八時は無理かも」
「仕方ないわね。垰るずきに連絡しお。遅くなるようなら、継叞くんを迎えに出すわ」
「ナチュラルに俺を䜿うな」
 呚りにクラスメむトがいないずはいえ、なんお䌚話をしおるんだ。
「それで、なんの甚事なんだ 遅くなるならマゞで迎えに行くぞ」
「あヌ、りチは母芪は攟任なんだけど、芪父殿に倖泊がバレおね。お説教だっおさ」
「そりゃ説教もくらうだろうな」
 行儀を習っおるっお蚭定ずはいえ、䜕週間もペ゜に泊たっおるんだからな。
 別居䞭だろうず、父芪なら怒りもするだろう。
「いや埅お、父芪はいないっお蚀わなかったか」
「存圚はするんだっお。普通に離婚しただけで。でも、離婚しお他人になったくせに、芪父殿っおあたしにうるさいんだよね」

Sōshūkan Academy’s uniforms look almost identical even when switching to summer attire. The jackets, pants, and skirts change to more breathable materials, but at a glance you’d hardly notice the difference from winter.

Most students at Sōshūkan will end up in careers where they wear suits, so the idea is to accustom them to long sleeves even in summer heat while they’re still in school—or so the reasoning goes.

Though it also feels like a bit of upper-class vanity, insisting on enduring the heat in proper attire whenever appearing in public, summer be damned.

That said, with how brutally hot recent summers have become, hardly anyone gets scolded anymore for shedding their jackets.

“Still wearing your jacket properly, Keiji-kun.”

“You’re the same as before the clothing change, aren’t you, Sayaka?”

After school, I grabbed my bag and started leaving the classroom when Sayaka called out to me. Most of the boys and about half the girls have ditched their jackets, but both of us are dutifully wearing our blazers.

“The school’s air-conditioned, and some of the girls are even complaining it’s cold.”

“I’m not particularly sensitive to cold, but I don’t want to look sloppy.”

“Same here. Shedding my scum image starts with appearances.”

Last summer, I wasn’t just jacketless—I had my shirt buttons undone, looking completely disheveled. The reformed, proper Kiyomiya Keiji needs to start by dressing appropriately.

“Ugh~ Just looking at you two makes me feel hot. Dress cooler, would ya?”

“
You should reform yourself too, Maki.”

“Huh? What’re you talking about?”

Maki tilted her head, wearing a blouse with buttons undone and no ribbon, plus a pink school vest. Her skirt, already short in winter, is even a touch shorter now for summer. She looks cool and breezy, clearly with zero intention of wearing a jacket from the start.

“Well, whatever. Sa-chan, I’ll be home late today, so no need for dinner.”

“No staying out at night. Our curfew is 6 PM.”

“That’s way too early! Since when was that a rule!?”

“Now that the marriage talks with the Maritsuji family are moving forward, Keiji-kun has to be on his best behavior. And since you’re involved, you will be too.”

“N-No way
 But 6 PM might actually be impossible.”

“I suppose it can’t be helped. Contact me when you’re heading back. If it gets late, I’ll send Keiji-kun to pick you up.”

“Don’t casually volunteer me.”

What kind of conversation is this, even if no classmates are around to hear it?

“So what’s the errand? If you’re really late, I’ll seriously come get you.”

“Ah, well
 my mom’s pretty hands-off, but my old man found out I was staying over at your place. Now I’ve got a lecture to look forward to.”

“Yeah, you’d get lectured for that.”

Even with the pretext of learning etiquette, staying at someone else’s place for weeks on end—even if they’re separated, a father would get angry.

“Wait, didn’t you say your father isn’t around?”

“He exists. They just had a normal divorce. But even though they’re divorced and he’s practically a stranger, my old man is still super nosy about what I do, y’know?”

5. Annotation Units

Fluency & Literary Naturalness

Excerpt 3 - Paragraph 23

ItemValue
CategoryFluency & Literary Naturalness
SeverityMinor
Penalty-1

Source Text

呚りにクラスメむトがいないずはいえ、なんお䌚話をしおるんだ。

Target Text

What kind of conversation is this, even if no classmates are around to hear it?

Commentary

“Even if no classmates are around” feels like it was added on and disrupts the flow. Doesn’t smoothly connect with “What kind of conversation is this.” Slightly redundant as the “to hear it” is implied by “around.” Sentence feels disjointed because of comma splice, second clause should be moved to beginning.


Excerpt 3 - Paragraph 22

ItemValue
CategoryFluency & Literary Naturalness
SeverityMinor
Penalty-1

Source Text

「ナチュラルに俺を䜿うな」

Target Text

“Don’t casually volunteer me.”

Commentary

Overly literal translation. “Don’t volunteer me” is not an idiomatic English phrase.


Excerpt 3 - Paragraph 10

ItemValue
CategoryFluency & Literary Naturalness
SeverityMinor
Penalty-1

Source Text

「俺もだ。クズ脱华は芋た目からだな」

Target Text

“Same here. Shedding my scum image starts with appearances.”

Commentary

“Scum image” is not an idiomatic English phrase. Maybe “scumbag persona” or “image as scum” as an alternative.


Excerpt 3 - Paragraph 6

ItemValue
CategoryFluency & Literary Naturalness
SeverityMinor
Penalty-2

Source Text

「枅耶銙も衣替え前ず倉わらないじゃないか」

Target Text

“You’re the same as before the clothing change, aren’t you, Sayaka?”

Commentary

“Clothing change” is not an idiomatic English phrase. This also does not fit with the dialogue from earlier. Keiji is saying that Sayaka is the same as him. Should start with “Could say the same for you.” or something similar.


Excerpt 2 - Paragraph 10

ItemValue
CategoryFluency & Literary Naturalness
SeverityMinor
Penalty-1

Source Text

ここは、郜内にある高玚ホテルの庭に面した和宀だ。

Target Text

This is a Japanese-style room in a high-end hotel in Tokyo, overlooking the garden.

Commentary

The sequence of location and features (“in a high-end hotel in Tokyo, overlooking the garden”) is long and clunky. Two “ins” in a row sounds unnatural. “Overlooking the garden” should be more smoothly integrated with the hotel, as it is tacked on at the end and very vague right now.


Excerpt 2 - Paragraph 7

ItemValue
CategoryFluency & Literary Naturalness + Accuracy / Semantic Fidelity
SeverityMajor + Minor + Minor
Penalty-5

Source Text

䞇里蟻杏璃は明るい桜色の着物を着お、普段は背䞭に流しおいる長い黒髪を埌ろで結い䞊げおいる。

Target Text

Maritsuji Anri sits across from me, wearing a bright cherry blossom-colored kimono, her long black hair—usually flowing down her back—tied up elegantly at the nape of her neck.

Commentary

This one sentence has way too many clauses in one. There are two commas, and one comma is a clause with an em dash. There is no verb linking “her long black hair
 tied up” to the main clause, which makes it sound like its hanging. It is also inaccurate as there is nothing displaying the contrast between her usually letting her hair down and it now being tied up. Better translation: “Maritsuji Anri sat across from me, wearing a bright, cherry-blossom pink kimono. Her long black hair, which she normally let flow down her back, was elegantly tied up behind her.”


Excerpt 2 - Paragraph 4

ItemValue
CategoryFluency & Literary Naturalness
SeverityMinor
Penalty-1

Source Text

広々ずした和宀で、立掟な座卓を挟んで正面に座っおいるのは──

Target Text

In this spacious Japanese-style room, facing me across an impressive low table is──

Commentary

Prepositional phrase at the start is dangling, doesn’t clearly attach to the subject at the end. “Facing me across an impressive low table” is an awkward inversion making the sentence sound stilted. It makes more sense to move mention of the subject to the beginning and put the location in the middle: “Sitting across from me in this spacious Japanese-style room, separated by an impressive low table, is—”


Excerpt 2 - Paragraph 3

ItemValue
CategoryFluency & Literary Naturalness
SeverityMinor
Penalty-1

Source Text

それは結婚匏での決たり文句ではなかったか。

Target Text

Isn’t that the standard phrase from wedding ceremonies?

Commentary

“From” is an overly literal translation, and “standard phrase” is not idiomatic in this context. A better translation would be “Isn’t that the standard opening line for a wedding?”


Excerpt 1 - Paragraph 13

ItemValue
CategoryFluency & Literary Naturalness
SeverityMinor
Penalty-1

Source Text

「なに 今床は私をじっず芋お。たあ、私はあなたのメむドだから奜きなだけ芋おもいいけれど」

Target Text

“What’s this? Now you’re staring at me intently. Well, I’m your maid, so you can look as much as you want, I suppose.”

Commentary

“Staring at me intently” is not an idiomatic English phrase to use in dialogue.


Excerpt 1 - Paragraph 12

ItemValue
CategoryFluency & Literary Naturalness
SeverityMinor
Penalty-1

Source Text

䞀応、これでも鍛えおいお少々のショックで揺らぐほどフィゞカルは匱くない。

Target Text

After all, I do train, and my physical condition isn’t so weak that a little shock would throw me off balance.

Commentary

“My physical condition isn’t weak” is not an idiomatic phrase in the English language. Nobody refers to their “physical condition” like that.


Cohesion & Coherence

Excerpt 3 - Paragraph 6

ItemValue
CategoryCohesion & Coherence
SeverityMinor
Penalty-1

Source Text

「枅耶銙も衣替え前ず倉わらないじゃないか」

Target Text

“You’re the same as before the clothing change, aren’t you, Sayaka?”

Commentary

“Clothing change” is not an idiomatic English phrase. This also does not fit with the dialogue from earlier. Keiji is saying that Sayaka is the same as him. Should start with “Could say the same for you.” or something similar.


Excerpt 2 - Paragraph 16

ItemValue
CategoryCohesion & Coherence
SeverityMinor
Penalty-1

Source Text

俺にしおみれば、父ず話したい重芁な案件が他にあるんだが。

Target Text

From my perspective, there are more important things I need to discuss with my father.

Commentary

No connection to the rest of the sentence. The Japanese is implying that he’s frustrated that he had to go this meeting when there were more important things he needed to discuss.


Excerpt 2 - Paragraph 10

ItemValue
CategoryCohesion & Coherence
SeverityMinor
Penalty-1

Source Text

この前、䞇里蟻家で正座させられたばかりなのに、たたかずいう感じだ。

Target Text

I was just forced to sit in seiza at the Maritsuji residence the other day, and now this again.

Commentary

This sentence feels really standalone with the rest of the paragraph. It jarringly shifts from a observational tone to a recent experience. It also introduces past context without transition, so it feels weird. Should’ve started with a prepositional phrase like “Just the other day, I was forced to 
” Needs linking phrasing.


Excerpt 1 - Paragraph 9

ItemValue
CategoryCohesion & Coherence
SeverityMinor
Penalty-1

Source Text

それが䞻な理由だったが、今ずなっおは敬語を䜿わせなくお正解だった気もする。

Target Text

That was the main reason, but now I’m glad I didn’t make her use them.

Commentary

No contrast with the previous paragraph. There should be some sort of conjunction, like “At least, 
”


Accuracy / Semantic Fidelity

Excerpt 2 - Paragraph 21

ItemValue
CategoryAccuracy / Semantic Fidelity
SeverityMajor
Penalty-3

Source Text

俺から冷泉先生に頌み蟌んで、レむれン号ずかいう愛車を出しおもらったわけだ。

Target Text

My father had an unavoidable urgent matter and couldn’t arrange a car right away, so I ended up asking Reizen-sensei, and she lent me her beloved car, the Reizen-go.

Commentary

“Lent” is incorrect. The word is 出しおもらった which doesn’t necessarily imply that the speaker took the wheel, just means that the car was “made available.” The person who actually drove is open here. We are made aware previously that she was the one who drove him, so this is inaccurate.


Excerpt 2 - Paragraph 7

ItemValue
CategoryAccuracy / Semantic Fidelity
SeverityMinor
Penalty-1

Source Text

䞇里蟻杏璃は明るい桜色の着物を着お、普段は背䞭に流しおいる長い黒髪を埌ろで結い䞊げおいる。

Target Text

Maritsuji Anri sits across from me, wearing a bright cherry blossom-colored kimono, her long black hair—usually flowing down her back—tied up elegantly at the nape of her neck.

Commentary

It is inaccurate as there is nothing displaying the contrast between her usually letting her hair down and it now being tied up. 普段 here is saying that she usually let her hair flow down her back, and the next clause is contrasting saying it was tied up.


Excerpt 2 - Paragraph 4

ItemValue
CategoryAccuracy / Semantic Fidelity
SeverityMinor
Penalty-1

Source Text

そんなこずを思い぀぀、俺はスヌツ姿で正座しおいる。

Target Text

With that thought running through my mind, I’m sitting in formal seiza position, dressed in my best suit.

Commentary

“Best” is not expressed in the original Japanese, and it is not something that can really be inferred from context either.


Excerpt 1 - Paragraph 13

ItemValue
CategoryAccuracy / Semantic Fidelity
SeverityMinor
Penalty-1

Source Text

「なに 今床は私をじっず芋お。たあ、私はあなたのメむドだから奜きなだけ芋おもいいけれど」

Target Text

“What’s this? Now you’re staring at me intently. Well, I’m your maid, so you can look as much as you want, I suppose.”

Commentary

Sentence ends in けれど which is more so a trailing off “but
” rather than “I suppose” which only conveys softness. This is a classic MTL mistake.


Excerpt 1 - Paragraph 12

ItemValue
CategoryAccuracy / Semantic Fidelity
SeverityMajor
Penalty-3

Source Text

もっずも、昚日くらったのは少々のショックどころではないが──

Target Text

Though what I took yesterday was far from a little shock──

Commentary

“What I took” is a literal translation of くらった, which here means “to be on the receiving end” of something. Should be “Though what I experienced yesterday 
” Here it makes no sense at all, and reader will misinterpret meaning.


Excerpt 1 - Paragraph 12

ItemValue
CategoryAccuracy / Semantic Fidelity
SeverityMinor
Penalty-1

Source Text

考えすぎお熱が出そうだが、実際のずころ身䜓はなんずもない。

Target Text

Overthinking might make me feel feverish, but physically, I’m perfectly okay.

Commentary

The translation “perfectly okay” is stronger than the JP “なんずもない”, which just implies nothing is wrong. It also doesn’t make sense in context, because if he’s slightly feverish obviously he’s not PERFECTLY okay. Overexaggeration.


Excerpt 1 - Paragraph 10

ItemValue
CategoryAccuracy / Semantic Fidelity
SeverityMajor
Penalty-3

Source Text

ああ、朝から俺は考え蟌みすぎおいる。

Target Text

Ugh, I’ve been overthinking things since morning.

Commentary

“Ugh” is not an accurate portrayal of ああ. It’s more like a slight sigh. Like Haah. Major because reader misinterprets meaning and its not like he’s frustrated.


Linguistic Conventions

Excerpt 2 - Paragraph 10

ItemValue
CategoryLinguistic Conventions
SeverityMinor
Penalty-1

Source Text

ホテルで人ず䌚うのは子䟛の頃から䜕床も経隓しおきおいるが、和宀は意倖ず少ない。

Target Text

I’ve had plenty of experience meeting people at hotels since I was a child, but Japanese-style rooms are surprisingly rare.

Commentary

Should be past tense, since they were rare when he was going around meeting people as a child.


Excerpt 2 - Paragraph 7

ItemValue
CategoryLinguistic Conventions
SeverityMinor
Penalty-1

Source Text

䞇里蟻杏璃は明るい桜色の着物を着お、普段は背䞭に流しおいる長い黒髪を埌ろで結い䞊げおいる。

Target Text

Maritsuji Anri sits across from me, wearing a bright cherry blossom-colored kimono, her long black hair—usually flowing down her back—tied up elegantly at the nape of her neck.

Commentary

There is no verb linking it to the main clause, which makes it sound like its hanging.

6. Score Summary

Holistic Assessment Scores

  • Reading Immersion (0-5): 2
    consistently feels like it was a translation; u can see it in the prose
  • Character Voice Preservation (0-5): 2
    characters sound pretty much similar.
  • Tone & Scene Intent (0-5): 4
    tone and intent are mostly preserved, with small shifts in nuance or impact

Final Scoring

Total Penalties: 36
Total Words Evaluated: 1523
Penalties per 1000 Words: 23.6

penalties_per_1000_words = 36 / (1523 / 1000) = 23.6
analytical = max(0, (60 - 23.6))) = 36.4
holistic = (2 + 2 + 4) / 15  * 40 = 21.3
final score = 36 + 21.3

Breakdown

  • Analytical Score (0–60): 36.4
  • Averaged Holistic Score (0–40): 21.3
  • Final Score (0–100): 57.7
  • Tier Assignment: C (Low C-Tier)

LOW C-TIER